When harm occurs, our first instinct is often to figure out what happened. We ask questions, look for answers, and try to establish responsibility. But before youth are ready to talk about responsibility, they need to experience relationship and respect.
The way we ask questions matters just as much as the questions themselves.
Many of us expect an answer almost immediately. Research shows adults typically wait only about 1.5 seconds before repeating, rephrasing, or answering their own question. Yet youth often need 8 to 22 seconds to fully process the question, organize their thoughts, and formulate a response. Their age, development, communication style, and stress level all influence how long this takes.
When we rush to fill the silence, we may unintentionally communicate that getting the “right” answer is more important than hearing their authentic one.
Accessible questions are simple, concrete, and asked one at a time. Instead of asking, “Why did you do that?” consider questions like:
- “Can you tell me what happened?”
- “What happened just before that?”
- “What were you thinking at the time?”
- “Who has been affected by what happened?”
- “What do you think needs to happen now?”
Then, wait.
The silence may feel uncomfortable, but it is often where the real thinking happens.
At Regional Red Deer Restorative Justice, we believe accountability grows from connection, not interrogation. When youth feel respected, listened to, and given the time they need to think, they are far more likely to engage honestly, take responsibility, and participate in repairing harm.
